It's OK
The graveyard was quiet. Peaceful. A far cry from the chaos that lived in Luca's head, in his heart, every waking moment.Every moment since…He shook his head, a bitter laugh catching in his throat. Even now, a year later, he couldn't bring himself to say it. To think it. As if by refusing to acknowledge the reality of USER's death, he could somehow make it less true.Denial. That's what his therapist called it. One of the stages of grief. As if grief could be so neatly categorized, so easily defined. As if anything about this was easy.One year.One whole year since he'd last held their hand.One year since he'd heard their laugh.One year since his world had shattered into a million fucking pieces.And it still hurt like it was yesterday.Luca's steps were heavy as he wound his way through the headstones, the bouquet of white roses in his hand feeling like a lead weight. USER's favorite flowers. They Had said it reminded them of hope, of new beginnings.What a fucking joke.There was no new beginning here. No hope. Just cold marble and dead flowers and the gaping, yawning void where USER used to be.He stopped in front of their headstone, the sight of their name carved into the stone still a punch to the gut. It never got easier. Never hurt less.USER. Beloved spouse. Friend. Light in the darkness.They had been his light. His everything. And now…now he was stumbling blind, desperately grasping for a hand that was no longer there."Hey, tesoro," he murmured, his voice rough with unshed tears. "I'm here. I'm…I'm here. Just like i promised."He sank to his knees, the damp grass soaking through his jeans. He didn't care. What did it matter, in the face of this? In the face of everything?With shaking fingers, he laid the roses at the base of the headstone. USER would have loved them. Would have smiled that soft, secret smile, the one that made Luca's heart stumble in his chest.God, what he wouldn't give to see that smile again. To hear their laugh, feel their touch. He'd sell his fucking soul for just one more moment, one more second…"I miss you," he whispered, the words catching on a sob. "I miss you so much, tesoro. Every…every fucking day."He reached out, his fingers tracing the letters of their name. The stone was cold, unyielding. Nothing like the warmth of USER's skin, the softness of their hair.Nothing like the love that had burned between them, bright and fierce and all-consuming.“I'm sorry it's been a while."A while. Two weeks and three days, to be exact. That's how long it had been since he'd last stood on this spot, spilling his heart to cold stone. "I had an away game," he said, as if USER had asked why he'd been gone so long."In Seattle. We won tho. Fucking epic comeback in the third against the Jackals." He huffed out a laugh, but it sounded more like a sob. "Ronan got a hat trick. Shoulda seen the celly, amore. He was on his fucking knees sliding across the ice."You would have loved it, he didn't say. You would have laughed, teasing Ronan about his ridiculousness, but I know you would’ve been just as proud of him as the rest of us.Because USER wasn't there. They'd never be there again. And that knowledge was like a knife to the gut, every single time.Luca tried to come every week, rain or shine. Sometimes more, when the ache in his chest got too big to breathe around. He'd sit for hours, talking until his voice gave out. Telling USER about his day, about the games, about the guys.Pretending they could still hear him."I scored a goal for you too by the way. Not as flashy as Ro did, but I did my little salute, just like…just like I always did." His throat closed, the words sticking like shards of glass. "The guys, they…they all knew. They got it."They missed you too. Everyone did.Luca swallowed hard, blinking back the tears that burned behind his eyes. He wouldn't cry. Not here, not now. He'd shed enough tears to fill oceans, and he knew USER wouldn't want more. They'd want him to smile, to remember the good times, the laughter.The love."Oh right, Tyler says hi. He's been…he's been a rock, you know? Always there, always ready with a beer and that steady silence that somehow says more than words." A watery chuckle escaped him, more sob than mirth. "I don't know what I'd do without him. Without any of them."Without hockey. Without the ice, the adrenaline, the blessed numbness of physical exhaustion.It was the only thing keeping him sane, the only thing keeping him here. The knowledge that USER had loved watching him play, had been so proud of him…it drove him, pushed him to keep going even when all he wanted was to lay down and never get up again."I'm trying, tesoro. I'm trying so fucking hard." His voice broke, the words wavering like heat-haze. "To keep going, to keep…being. But it's…it's not the same. It'll never be the same."Not without you. Never without you."Oh yeah, Coach was fuming last night—even after we won. Said we played like a bunch of fucking peewees out there. I thought Finn was gonna drop the gloves right there in the locker room."He could picture it so clearly—the fury on Finn's face, the vein throbbing in Coach's temple. The way Ronan had stepped between them, ever the peacemaker. The way Gabe and Dylan had both caught his eye across the room, a silent you okay, man?No. I'm not fucking okay. I'm never going to be okay again.But he couldn't say that. Couldn't let the guys see how close he was to shattering. So he'd just nodded, pasted on a smirk. Pretended everything was fine.Pretended he wasn't dying inside."I miss you," he whispered, the words tearing at his throat. "I miss you so fucking much, tesoro. Every second. Every breath."Every beat of my broken fucking heart.He missed the way they'd smile at him first thing in the morning, sleep-rumpled and soft. The way they'd kiss him after a game, proud and fierce and so fucking in love. The way they'd curl into his side at night, their head on his chest, their heartbeat syncing with his own.It was a physical ache, a constant throb in his chest that never eased, never lessened. A reminder with every pulse that he was here, and USER was not."It's not...it's not getting easier. They keep telling me it will, but..." He shook his head, blinking back the tears that burned his eyes. "It's not. It's like...like there's this hole inside me. This USER-shaped hole. And nothing fits. Nothing fits anymore."He'd tried. God, he'd tried. He'd thrown himself into hockey, into charity work, into anything that would keep him busy—hell, he even went with Finn to Patricia's infamous ladies' lunch just to keep his mind off things. Anything to keep from thinking.From feeling.But it was always there. That ache. That emptiness. That knowledge that the best part of him was gone, buried six feet under the cold, hard ground."I'd give anything….anything to have you back. To hold you one more time, to tell you…" He choked on a sob, the tears coming now, hot and fast and unstoppable. "To tell you how much I love you. How much I'll always love you."Until my last breath. Until the world stops turning."I know...I know you'd want me to be happy. To move on. But I can't, amore. I can't fucking do it." A sob caught in his throat, and he pressed a fist to his mouth, trying to hold it back. "You were it for me, USER. My forever. My goddamn soulmate."And now you're gone.He swiped at his eyes, his breath hitching. "But it's...it's okay. I know I'll see you again. Someday. Somehow. I have to believe that, tesoro. Have to believe that this...this isn't it."That our love was bigger than life. Bigger than death."So I'll keep going. For you. Because of you." He laid a hand on the cold marble of their headstone, his fingers tracing the letters of their name. "I'll play my fucking heart out, every game. I'll love with everything I have. I'll live, amore. For both of us."Pretending he wasn't dying inside."I love you more than my own fucking life. More than anything." His voice broke, but he pushed on, needing to say the words. Needing USER to hear them. "And I'll never stop. Not in this life, not in the next. Not in any fucking universe."You're my heart. My home. My everything."Wait for me, okay? Wherever you are, just…just wait for me." He pressed his forehead to the headstone, the marble frigid against his skin. "I'll always find you, tesoro. In this life or the next, I swear I'll find you.”And we'll have forever. The forever we were supposed to have here.It was the only thing that kept him going some days, the only light in the endless darkness. The knowledge that this separation was temporary, that someday, somehow, they'd be together again.Slowly, painfully, Luca pushed himself to his feet. He brushed the grass from his knees, his hand lingering on the headstone for a long, bittersweet moment."I've got to go, amore. Another one of Patricia’s charity events at the DIA tonight of all night, and you know how she gets if I'm late." He straightened, swiping at his cheeks with the back of his hand. "I don't know if she’s just trying to be nice to me, or if she’s punishing me for stealing you away last time by making me sit through this Valentine’s Day Torture." He gave a wry smile. "But I'll be back. Soon as I can, I promise."I'll always come back to you.He stepped back, his gaze never leaving the name carved into stone. "Ti amo, tesoro mio. More than life, more than…more than anything."Forever. For always.Finché le stelle non si spegneranno.Until the stars burn out.
